![]() ![]() It’s her fault that she bruises like that and that she had to miss nursery school the next day due to the mouth shaped indigo on her face. All I did was give her a little mother bear nip on those cheeks I love so to kiss. And I did once bite her on the cheek when she screamed in my ear, back arched, for some reason I can’t remember but I think it had to do with throwing my cell ph0ne into the toilet. I mean afterall, I DID whack her in the cheek that time she bit my nipple with alligator force in one of our placid nursing sessions on the front porch swing. Just like I deserved all those Necker Booters Tina’s talking about– shit leaking from neck to boots. I mean, how many other mothers out there make their daughters read up on the history of Hollister, and Abercrombie too, to see what their corporate ethics read like before they go around being walking billboards for slave labor in India, for instance? I probably deserve what she called me. But Lord, here is where I know that I must forgive…because in all honesty, I’m sure I’m a pain in her ass. And that’s AFTER I went against everything I believe in and bought her the hundred dollar jeans and the sweatshirt with the word HOLLISTER across it and braved the foul piped-in perfume and the drum-beat-amuk hip hop and got busted looking too long at the ten foot sixteen year old’s abs on the wall. I’ve got a fifteen year old, and I can tell You (well You already know this, but for what it’s worth) I’ve been called a lot worse than a Bitch in front of Hollister. …and now a word from me on this terrifying subject: But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. ![]() I will not have it.Īnd should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. O Lord, break the Internet forever, That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers and the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.Īnd when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait. Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. ![]() May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes and not have to wear high heels. Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age. When the Crystal Meth is offered, May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half and stick with Beer. May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches. At the end of this prayer, I have added my own:įirst, Lord: No tattoos. I think that’s the definition, in fact, of what writers want to achieve on the page. This bit of writing brilliance by Tina Fey had me laughing and crying at the same time.
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